Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
