Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

ㅤ

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone