Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.