Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Snack for election night!

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.