Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
just got my engagement photos
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Howl 😭
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
