Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.