reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.