reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Life hack
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant