Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
😂😂😂
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Old old old old old west
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed