Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
mandolin: finally a violin for men
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
jesus, what did this guy do
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
where do you see yourself in five years?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7