Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
She puts the hot in psychotic
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Left at a local drug store…
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”