Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Inside you there are two wolves

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’