Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Florida man

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.