Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
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I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Google Pay be like:
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia