@Sickayduh

Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

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@MrSpoonicorn

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

@Skoogeth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

@theBigMvee

Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance

@not_thenanny

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@stephenjmolloy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.