Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁


Don’t forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not


*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*


I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet


Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”


Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.


Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.


I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.


Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?