It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.