@Sickayduh

Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

You Might Also Like

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@Pirate_nurse

Don’t forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not

@thenoahkinsey

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

@yerpalmildsauce

Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@pieceofchat

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

@happymilly1

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

@ChicorelliStar

I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?