REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
A friend sent me this.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.