Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Happy Taco Tuesday

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.