Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

I can’t stop laughing at this

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??