Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Yoga Matt
the saddest jazz hands ever
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!