Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Meowchelangelo

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.