Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.