Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?