Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.