Reporter: *ports again*
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You are not alone 💚
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Pretty much! 😂👀
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse