Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

Brother?

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂