Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣