Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!