Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.