Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete