REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’m crying im so happy for them
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll