@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

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@ch000ch

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

@I_am_carbs

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@WorldofWid

Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@psybermonkey

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.