REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.


I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.


BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright


Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.


When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.


Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.


Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything


[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood