@Cheeseboy22
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
@jillboard
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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@Cheeseboy22
@EmissaryKerry
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
@AndyAsAdjective
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
@TheCatWhisprer
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
@HatfieldAnne
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
@itsboyschapter
what dating me is like
@primawesome
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
@envydatropic
Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything
@TheToddWilliams
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
@Social_Mime
People buying plungers never look happy.