@ch000ch
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
@jillboard
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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@ch000ch
@I_am_carbs
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
@ThugRaccoons
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
@CatsVsHumanity
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
@WorldofWid
Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.
@stevemarriott
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
@kibblesmith
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
@roxyisrad
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
@psybermonkey
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.