REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…


people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description


Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.


When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit


Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.


[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?


The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.