reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Nothing to do, you say?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!