reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Dune (2021)
whatcha thinkin bout
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.