@Sassafrantz
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
@EndhooS
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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@Sassafrantz
@lachlan
Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.
@CulturedRuffian
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
@thedad
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
@treydayway
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
@CantWaitToNap
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
@delusions_of
Does the “Dirty Dancing” lift to the pizza delivery guy.
@FrazzleMyGimp
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
@JVarsityCaptain
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
@RickAaron
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.