reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

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Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!


Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.


No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.


Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.


Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.


My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.


ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew


Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?


Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.