@EndhooS

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

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@Sassafrantz

Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!

@lachlan

Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.

@CulturedRuffian

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@JVarsityCaptain

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.