Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

Air pods looking like an angry frog

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.