@KeetPotato

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

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@Disneyland2go

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

@Ideal_Victoria

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

@TheNardvark

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@gruffybeard

630: *wakes up to take dog for walk

632: *pours coffee and checks twitter

749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

@sophielou

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

@sageboggs

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

@Playing_Dad

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

@CharlieDontSrf

If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out