no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
630: *wakes up to take dog for walk
632: *pours coffee and checks twitter
749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out