reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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Inside you there are two wolves
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Sending in my taxes
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible