reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.