REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help