Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!