REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?