Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

SPLOOT

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.