Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

so much to do

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Me My dog

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.