went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Cashier: find everything okay?
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012
How old are you?
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*