Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it鈥檒l crack your back
one time i couldn鈥檛 go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler鈥檚 holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I鈥檇 barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it鈥檚 been seriously cracking me up.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
No one girl should have all that power. 馃槀
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I鈥檓 sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.