Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am