Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

Well, this explains it:

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.