REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Growing out my freckles.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please