Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Bringing back this classic

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

making my dog give me my pills

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written