[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.