Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

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