Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder