Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.