Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

My neck, my back, my…

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.