Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to