Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe