Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Is this anything

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.