Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Education is vital
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Finally, an explanation.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.