Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.