Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline