Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real