Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

It was worth a shot 😂

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.