*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”