*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
sleeping beauty
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.