Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

“That’s what” – She

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

Me too, bag. Me too….

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.