Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

my professor scared me for a second

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

found my next D&D character name

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid